Moursy to stop Kony 'by 2080 at the outside'

In a surprise announcement last night, the Adam Moursy for President campaign declared that if elected president, Moursy will do everything in his power to finally bring to justice known evil-doer and media darling, Joseph Kony. 

Moursy, who is a well publicised opponent of war crimes worldwide and has been shortlisted several times for the International Jumping on the Bandwagon Award, committed himself entirely to the capture and prosecution of the notorious Ugandan warlord. Said Moursy: "The students of ULSU cannot sit idly by now that they are aware Tony exists. Just because Uganda is hard to find on a map does not mean we should not try. Tony has gone too far this time. It is time we took a stand. First we beat fees and now we will beat Tony!"

He added: "The campaign has already begun. We have wristbands, we have posters, we have a petition! Tony has never seen the likes of this before! They don't have campaigns like this in Uganda." When it was pointed out that what they have in Uganda is a large, American-supported army that has been hunting Joseph Kony for several years, Moursy replied, "Who the Hell is Joseph? We're talking about Tony here, people! Jesus, I knew there were some idiots who didn't do law but..." at which point his microphone inadvertently cut out and he was led out of the building by campaign officials.

The Moursy campaign later issued a statement in clarification: "Adam Moursy firmly believes in the three core principles of ULSU - representation, clubs and societies and stopping African warlords. If elected, Adam will ensure that the new ULSU constitution recognises the need to stop Joseph Kony and will invest all available resources in the project as soon as the SU shops become profitable again, which we estimate to be by 2080 at the outside."

In response, the David Hartery for President campaign suggested that Syria's Bashar Al-Assad ought to be the focus of the SU's war crimes policy and challenged the Moursy campaign to a 'My war criminal is bigger than your war criminal' rap battle in the SU courtyard.