The David Hartery for President campaign has revealed that the university's newest bar, the Pavilion, is in fact a covert operations centre for a campus-wide nuclear weapon system, begun in secret by Clubs and Socs Council and due to be completed upon Hartery's election.
The long-expected decision was taken at Clubs and Socs Council early last year following reports that UCC and LIT had formed a pact of steel. NUI Galway's defences were deemed insufficient to deal with the ability of UCC and LIT to bring mass conventional forces to bear against the university.
The Pavilion, which was ostensibly constructed as for its 'bar facilities' and 'function room' is in the fact the centre of the nuclear deployment system that will allow the university to deter any potential attack from rival universities and to re-instate its rightful claim to the LIT and LSAD campuses.
"Of course this weaponisation of campus is only the first step," presidential candidate Hartery said, "Our real enemies are not UCC and LIT. Our real enemies are beyond the Shannon - UCD, TCD, the Oireachtais, Bord na Mona, Guiney's..."
Hartery pledged that upon his election as supreme leader, UL would have as many nuclear weapons as India and Pakistan combined: "And then they will give us the seat at the Security Council we so richly deserve!"
The weapons will be operated on a dual key system, with the SU president retaining half the authorisation codes and the Welfare Officer the others. Such a system should ensure that in the event of nuclear war, it will all be over by lunchtime.
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