Welfare candidate William Jennings has proposed a radical solution to the SU's financial difficulties: the introduction of slavery. Jennings believes such a policy will eliminate the need to pay wages, the SU's main source of expenditure.
"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."
Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."
Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.
"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.
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