SHOCK RESULT: Candidates with more votes win election

Election Week Summary

It's been a hectic week of horse trading, bribery, chocolate flash mobs, weaponisation, mass troop movements and even some things that were unexpected.

Victor in the presidential race, Adam Moursy, received a congratulatory long distance phone call last night. After a twenty minute conversation in which Moursy seemed uncharacteristically pensive, Moursy was asked who he had been speaking to. Said Moursy: "Not really sure. Some lad called Tony from Africa or something..."

Following his narrow election defeat, presidential candidate David Hartery blamed his loss on insufficiently Marxist rhetoric. Moving his forces across the Living Bridge, Hartery declared the North Campus the People's Democratic Republic of Iwa, appointing himself Supreme Leader. His supporters then placed explosives on the bridge to prevent any potential invasion.

Gentleman farmer Eamon Horgan found consolation in the arms of a buxom south Kerry lass with hips as wide as the Panama Canal and a voice like a pickaxe. "She won't have any problem callin' him in from the back field, anyway," one supporter said.

Another victorious candidate last night was Paddy Rockett who celebrated by purchasing a brand new box of Crayola's finest, placing his crown on his head and eating all the yoghurts he could ever want. "Aww dear Paddy," one supporter said, "He'll be puking rainbows tonight."

His opponent, Jackie Woods, has been appointed executive vice president in charge of distribution at Apple, something of a moral victory.

Outgoing CO Kelly O'Brien took her narrow defeat with her usual good nature and aplomb, only starting two minor fires and refraining from using her crossbow. Her winning opponent, Cathal Ronan, attributed his victory to clever use of the film Trainspotting and pledged to spend the entire year speaking in a thick, Glaswegian accent - a fact certain to please both Gaelgoirs and received pronounciation experts alike.

William Jennings secured work as in a travelling puppet theatre. Mr Mahoot and his Marvellous Marionnettes will be performing at the concert hall later in the year.
Without doubt the election was a true victory for some, a loss for others and certainly there were a number of votes cast for several different candidates. Till next year...