SHOCK RESULT: Candidates with more votes win election

Election Week Summary

It's been a hectic week of horse trading, bribery, chocolate flash mobs, weaponisation, mass troop movements and even some things that were unexpected.

Victor in the presidential race, Adam Moursy, received a congratulatory long distance phone call last night. After a twenty minute conversation in which Moursy seemed uncharacteristically pensive, Moursy was asked who he had been speaking to. Said Moursy: "Not really sure. Some lad called Tony from Africa or something..."

Following his narrow election defeat, presidential candidate David Hartery blamed his loss on insufficiently Marxist rhetoric. Moving his forces across the Living Bridge, Hartery declared the North Campus the People's Democratic Republic of Iwa, appointing himself Supreme Leader. His supporters then placed explosives on the bridge to prevent any potential invasion.

Gentleman farmer Eamon Horgan found consolation in the arms of a buxom south Kerry lass with hips as wide as the Panama Canal and a voice like a pickaxe. "She won't have any problem callin' him in from the back field, anyway," one supporter said.

Another victorious candidate last night was Paddy Rockett who celebrated by purchasing a brand new box of Crayola's finest, placing his crown on his head and eating all the yoghurts he could ever want. "Aww dear Paddy," one supporter said, "He'll be puking rainbows tonight."

His opponent, Jackie Woods, has been appointed executive vice president in charge of distribution at Apple, something of a moral victory.

Outgoing CO Kelly O'Brien took her narrow defeat with her usual good nature and aplomb, only starting two minor fires and refraining from using her crossbow. Her winning opponent, Cathal Ronan, attributed his victory to clever use of the film Trainspotting and pledged to spend the entire year speaking in a thick, Glaswegian accent - a fact certain to please both Gaelgoirs and received pronounciation experts alike.

William Jennings secured work as in a travelling puppet theatre. Mr Mahoot and his Marvellous Marionnettes will be performing at the concert hall later in the year.
Without doubt the election was a true victory for some, a loss for others and certainly there were a number of votes cast for several different candidates. Till next year...

Moursy sacrifices goat, sheep in last ditch bid to secure election

Presidential candidate Adam Moursy has performed a ritual sacrifice in the SU courtyard in order to secure the favour of the gods in his efforts to win the sabbatical election. Moursy was observed ritually slaughtering a comely goat and two sheep while campaigners chanted in an obscure Celtic dialect. 


The lack of a fatted calf on campus caused considerable consternation amongst the Moursy priests but after consulting his augurers, Moursy concluded that it would not be necessary to appease the child-eating god Moloch and instead chose to concentrate on lesser, more easily pleased deities.

While Moursy is not considered to be particularly worried about losing the election, ritual sacrifices have been known to secure candidates the favour of the gods and the election victory that ensures in the dying hours of the campaign. It is well recorded that in 2009 then welfare candidate Derek Daly devoted an entire brace of kestrels to the gods in order to secure election.

In other last minute election news, Education candidate Paddy Rockett was observed setting bonfires and pledging his allegiance to the dark lord Ramu, saying: "If elected the streets shall run red with the blood of your enemies, the tower of skulls shall reach to the Heavens and all the crayons will belong to me!"

Guy called Tony deeply upset by candidate's comments

A UL student named Tony has revealed his deep upset and astonishment at accusations levied against him by presidential candidate, Adam Moursy. Tony has unequivocally denied ever having been to Uganda.

"I was totally shocked at these unfounded accusations," UL student Tony told this blog, "I'd never even heard of Uganda until I saw my name plastered all over Moursy's election literature. I've never even held a gun!" Visibly upset and shaking with disbelief, the 19-year-old Roscommon native has demanded an apology from the Moursy campaign following its announcement that it intends to "catch that murdering rascal, Tony, and take him to the Hake".

However, the Adam Moursy for President campaign was unapologetic: "We all know the evil Tony has been doing all these years, we just had no idea he was actually hiding out in Roscommon. An armed force is already being assembled to catch him and bring this vile fiend to justice."

Tony's last known whereabouts are somewhere just outside Gort, hiding from Moursy's roving bands of war criminal hunters. When asked about this opinions on the SU elections, Tony said: "I know he may have sent a band of drink-fuelled, poorly informed murderers after me for absolutely no reason, but I still think I'd vote for Adam. At least he's finally doing something about the real threats to UL students - international war criminals."

Moursy's main presidential rival, David Hartery, had this to say: "The Moursy campaign is so incompetent it can't even launch a simple ground offensive into Roscommon. If elected president, I will ensure that ULSU will be prepared for mass mobilisation against all the SU's enemies, be they foreign, domestic or imaginary! Further, my secret police force will ensure..." Unfortunately, Hartery's voice had reached a crescendo and could no longer be understood.