SHOCK RESULT: Candidates with more votes win election

Election Week Summary

It's been a hectic week of horse trading, bribery, chocolate flash mobs, weaponisation, mass troop movements and even some things that were unexpected.

Victor in the presidential race, Adam Moursy, received a congratulatory long distance phone call last night. After a twenty minute conversation in which Moursy seemed uncharacteristically pensive, Moursy was asked who he had been speaking to. Said Moursy: "Not really sure. Some lad called Tony from Africa or something..."

Following his narrow election defeat, presidential candidate David Hartery blamed his loss on insufficiently Marxist rhetoric. Moving his forces across the Living Bridge, Hartery declared the North Campus the People's Democratic Republic of Iwa, appointing himself Supreme Leader. His supporters then placed explosives on the bridge to prevent any potential invasion.

Gentleman farmer Eamon Horgan found consolation in the arms of a buxom south Kerry lass with hips as wide as the Panama Canal and a voice like a pickaxe. "She won't have any problem callin' him in from the back field, anyway," one supporter said.

Another victorious candidate last night was Paddy Rockett who celebrated by purchasing a brand new box of Crayola's finest, placing his crown on his head and eating all the yoghurts he could ever want. "Aww dear Paddy," one supporter said, "He'll be puking rainbows tonight."

His opponent, Jackie Woods, has been appointed executive vice president in charge of distribution at Apple, something of a moral victory.

Outgoing CO Kelly O'Brien took her narrow defeat with her usual good nature and aplomb, only starting two minor fires and refraining from using her crossbow. Her winning opponent, Cathal Ronan, attributed his victory to clever use of the film Trainspotting and pledged to spend the entire year speaking in a thick, Glaswegian accent - a fact certain to please both Gaelgoirs and received pronounciation experts alike.

William Jennings secured work as in a travelling puppet theatre. Mr Mahoot and his Marvellous Marionnettes will be performing at the concert hall later in the year.
Without doubt the election was a true victory for some, a loss for others and certainly there were a number of votes cast for several different candidates. Till next year...

Jennings revealed to be hand puppet

Welfare candidate William Jennings has been revealed to be little more than a hand-operated puppet, to the shock and consternation of many voters.


The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.

Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."

Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.

Jennings finds solution to SU's problems: Slavery

Welfare candidate William Jennings has proposed a radical solution to the SU's financial difficulties: the introduction of slavery. Jennings believes such a policy will eliminate the need to pay wages, the SU's main source of expenditure.  


"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."

Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."

Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.

"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.