Welfare candidate William Jennings has been revealed to be little more than a hand-operated puppet, to the shock and consternation of many voters.
The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.
Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."
Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.
Showing posts with label Welfare Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Welfare Office. Show all posts
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Jennings finds solution to SU's problems: Slavery
Welfare candidate William Jennings has proposed a radical solution to the SU's financial difficulties: the introduction of slavery. Jennings believes such a policy will eliminate the need to pay wages, the SU's main source of expenditure.
"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."
Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."
Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.
"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.
"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."
Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."
Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.
"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.
Ronan proposes endorphin shots, chicken for unhappy students
Welfare candidate Cathal Ronan has proposed that unhappy students can be cured of their ill feelings through a combination of endorphin shots and chicken. Ronan, who has been jogging around campus continuously for the last 16 months in the build up to the campaign, took a few minutes off to answer questions on ULFM.
"We all know what happens when people are sad, just look at North Korea. I suggest requiring all students who look a bit down should be given shots of endorphin, directly into the heart, to cheer them up. We can get endorphins from the on campus chemical labs, no bother."
Ronan went on to say that the lack of whole chickens in the SU shop is contributing to the lack of a fun atmosphere on campus: "What animal can you think of that is more fun than chicken? Chicken is the most fun animal on this planet! They run around, they cluck and even after they're dead, they still look happy! Chickens all the way!"
Following the interview, Ronan returned to his long-term jogging spree, carrying his grandmother on his back to show fortitude to less physically able UL students.
"We all know what happens when people are sad, just look at North Korea. I suggest requiring all students who look a bit down should be given shots of endorphin, directly into the heart, to cheer them up. We can get endorphins from the on campus chemical labs, no bother."
Ronan went on to say that the lack of whole chickens in the SU shop is contributing to the lack of a fun atmosphere on campus: "What animal can you think of that is more fun than chicken? Chicken is the most fun animal on this planet! They run around, they cluck and even after they're dead, they still look happy! Chickens all the way!"
Following the interview, Ronan returned to his long-term jogging spree, carrying his grandmother on his back to show fortitude to less physically able UL students.
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