Education candidate Paddy Rockett was not available to campaign yesterday as he spent the day searching the campus for his favourite blue crayon. He later discovered the crayon was in his pocket.
ULSU insiders are fully aware of the importance of crayons to Rockett in his capacity as CSO, where crayons and construction paper formed the backbone of the majority of his campaigns. The crayon in question has particular significance as it is the one Rockett used to fill out his election paperwork in 2011.
"My lucky crayon is missing! Old blue, where are you! I NEED YOU!" Rockett could be heard to exclaim as he traversed campus searching for the wayward Crayola. Having spent the better part of the day unearthing trees, dredging the campus's many lakes and roughing up anybody who looked a bit dodgy and might be a crayon thief, Rockett finally placed his hand in the left pocket of his trademark short pants and discovered the lost crayon.
"We were hugely relieved that Paddy found the crayon," a campaign spokesman told this blog, "He is currently curled up in his bed, with a glass of warm milk and the crayon firmly grasped between his teeth, as it should be."
Showing posts with label Education Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Education Office. Show all posts
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Rockett to construct 60 foot broadcasting tower
Education candidate Paddy Rockett has confirmed rumours that he intends to construct a 60 foot tall broadcasting tower on the roof of the SU building in order to increase the broadcast range of student radio station, ULFM.
The Rockett for Education campaign today unveiled an ambitious plan to build a broadcasting tower, costing an estimated €15m, on top of the existing SU building. The rationale for this is increasing the range of ULFM broadcasts nationwide and beyond.
"As part of my campaign promise to establish an SU Department of Propaganda and Good Feelings, I pledge to build this broadcasting tower, so that people across the country can tune in to my daily radio show, Rockett's Rundown. This show will form a key part of my attempts to establish a much needed cult of personality around myself."
The current Communications Officer and head of ULFM, Kelly O'Brien, was decidedly dubious about the move. "I think the idea of a broadcasting tower is broadly good. However, I feel that Paddy has failed to recognise the need to improve all student media, not just the radio. As such, I have suggested that the SU purchases a printing press, a TV station and the Irish Examiner."
Some have called O'Brien's plans untenable, but Rockett endorsed the scheme: "Anything that gets my face, voice and personality out there is fine by me. Where's my axe?"
The Rockett for Education campaign today unveiled an ambitious plan to build a broadcasting tower, costing an estimated €15m, on top of the existing SU building. The rationale for this is increasing the range of ULFM broadcasts nationwide and beyond.
"As part of my campaign promise to establish an SU Department of Propaganda and Good Feelings, I pledge to build this broadcasting tower, so that people across the country can tune in to my daily radio show, Rockett's Rundown. This show will form a key part of my attempts to establish a much needed cult of personality around myself."
The current Communications Officer and head of ULFM, Kelly O'Brien, was decidedly dubious about the move. "I think the idea of a broadcasting tower is broadly good. However, I feel that Paddy has failed to recognise the need to improve all student media, not just the radio. As such, I have suggested that the SU purchases a printing press, a TV station and the Irish Examiner."
Some have called O'Brien's plans untenable, but Rockett endorsed the scheme: "Anything that gets my face, voice and personality out there is fine by me. Where's my axe?"
Rockett dismisses logical arguments as "unhelpful"
Education candidate Paddy Rockett has described the well thought out, logical arguments of his rivals as "unhelpful" and "harmful to the democratic process".
Speaking from his high chair in Red Raisins canteen, the outgoing CSO condemned statements made by his main rival, Jacqueline Woods, as she attempted to explain how a deficit is created. Said Ms Woods: "A deficit is created when an organisation spends more money than it earns, and therefore has to borrow money to fund the difference. This, of course, leads to even greater liabilities."
"These comments are entirely inappropriate," Rockett fumed, "If the voters of this campus wanted 'logic' they could go to their lectures! This election is about bright colours, meaningless slogans and tight t-shirts on tolerably attractive girls! Jackie is just confusing the issues!"
Following this outburst, Rockett spilled the juice from his tippy cup, threw his Petit Filous across the room and banged his plastic spoon against the table, to bails of applause from besotted campaigners.
"Paddy is exactly what this university needs," said one campaigner, whom we are refusing to name on the grounds that he will definitely regret this statment later. "It's about time someone stood up to those people who think they can prove everything using logical arguments! Orange helium kumquat!" He added.
Speaking from his high chair in Red Raisins canteen, the outgoing CSO condemned statements made by his main rival, Jacqueline Woods, as she attempted to explain how a deficit is created. Said Ms Woods: "A deficit is created when an organisation spends more money than it earns, and therefore has to borrow money to fund the difference. This, of course, leads to even greater liabilities."
"These comments are entirely inappropriate," Rockett fumed, "If the voters of this campus wanted 'logic' they could go to their lectures! This election is about bright colours, meaningless slogans and tight t-shirts on tolerably attractive girls! Jackie is just confusing the issues!"
Following this outburst, Rockett spilled the juice from his tippy cup, threw his Petit Filous across the room and banged his plastic spoon against the table, to bails of applause from besotted campaigners.
"Paddy is exactly what this university needs," said one campaigner, whom we are refusing to name on the grounds that he will definitely regret this statment later. "It's about time someone stood up to those people who think they can prove everything using logical arguments! Orange helium kumquat!" He added.
Monday, 19 March 2012
Daly to bestow rings of power on successful sabbat candidates
Outgoing ULSU President Derek Daly has pledged to bestow three rings of power on the successful sabbatical candidates following the elections this week. The mysterious rings have long been thought to be the source of Daly's awesome powers.
"It is time to pass on these powerful talismans to a new generation," Daly said, "For many aeons my people have guarded the secret of the rings closely but now it is time for me, as the last of my kind, to bestow their great power on the next generation of sabbatical officers."
Derek Daly (his human name) arrived on Earth riding on the back of a crystalline meteorite that landed just outside Plassey House some time in late 1960s. After several years of experimentation in US government laboratories, Daly returned to UL to take up his rightful place as SU President and Keeper of the Rings of Power. But as his term as president draws to a close, Daly has chosen now to relinquish the rings.
Among the powers thought to originate from the rings is Daly's incredible gift of voter mesmerism, as well as his uncanny ability to avoid things sticking to him. It is also believed that the rings ward off dark wizards, though the presence of Klothos the Contemptible in the Education election would seem to contradict this.
When asked about the dangers of allowing the rings to fall into the wrong hands, Daly said: "UL students are smart enough to know not to vote for terrible candidates. After all, last year they voted for me and Paddy Rockett. What are the chances they'd vote for someone who is an obvious moron or dark wizard?"
Said Klothos: "Finally I will have access to the rings! With them in my possession, all will kneel before me! All will kneel!" The Adam Moursy campaign expressed similar sentiments.
"It is time to pass on these powerful talismans to a new generation," Daly said, "For many aeons my people have guarded the secret of the rings closely but now it is time for me, as the last of my kind, to bestow their great power on the next generation of sabbatical officers."
Derek Daly (his human name) arrived on Earth riding on the back of a crystalline meteorite that landed just outside Plassey House some time in late 1960s. After several years of experimentation in US government laboratories, Daly returned to UL to take up his rightful place as SU President and Keeper of the Rings of Power. But as his term as president draws to a close, Daly has chosen now to relinquish the rings.
Among the powers thought to originate from the rings is Daly's incredible gift of voter mesmerism, as well as his uncanny ability to avoid things sticking to him. It is also believed that the rings ward off dark wizards, though the presence of Klothos the Contemptible in the Education election would seem to contradict this.
When asked about the dangers of allowing the rings to fall into the wrong hands, Daly said: "UL students are smart enough to know not to vote for terrible candidates. After all, last year they voted for me and Paddy Rockett. What are the chances they'd vote for someone who is an obvious moron or dark wizard?"
Said Klothos: "Finally I will have access to the rings! With them in my possession, all will kneel before me! All will kneel!" The Adam Moursy campaign expressed similar sentiments.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Rockett used SU money to buy fur coat, crown
Fresh controversy is about to erupt in the ULSU sabbatical elections as this blog can exclusively reveal that Education candidate Paddy Rockett used ULSU funds to purchase a fur coat and a crown.
The offending items were purchased online using the SU's credit card at a website called Royal-Viking-Apparel.com. Those in the know have long been aware of Rockett's obsession with acting and dressing like his childhood hero, King Harald Hardrada, an 11th century king of Norway. But this recent act of wanton embezzlement takes Rockett's regal fantasies to new heights, as he now appears bent on parading around campus wearing the coat and crown and carrying a traditional Viking axe.
None of this, however, should worry the voters of UL since recent historical evidence suggests that King Harald was both an able administrator and accomplished soldier, whose only major failing was a tendency to mount costly invasions of neighbouring territories (UCC beware).
The Rockett campaign has responded to the allegations with the following statement: "Everyone knows that money would only have been pissed away on unsustainable services and pointless sabbatical wages anyway, so who cares? Long live King Rockett!"
Following some rather hasty shooting noises at the other end of the phone, the campaign issued another statement: "Paddy Rockett shares your opinion. He has always shared your opinion, even when it looked like he belonged to a group of people who seemed to have completely different opinions to yours. He never agreed with those people. Paddy Rockett always shared your opinion. Vote Paddy Rockett!"
The offending items were purchased online using the SU's credit card at a website called Royal-Viking-Apparel.com. Those in the know have long been aware of Rockett's obsession with acting and dressing like his childhood hero, King Harald Hardrada, an 11th century king of Norway. But this recent act of wanton embezzlement takes Rockett's regal fantasies to new heights, as he now appears bent on parading around campus wearing the coat and crown and carrying a traditional Viking axe.
None of this, however, should worry the voters of UL since recent historical evidence suggests that King Harald was both an able administrator and accomplished soldier, whose only major failing was a tendency to mount costly invasions of neighbouring territories (UCC beware).
The Rockett campaign has responded to the allegations with the following statement: "Everyone knows that money would only have been pissed away on unsustainable services and pointless sabbatical wages anyway, so who cares? Long live King Rockett!"
Following some rather hasty shooting noises at the other end of the phone, the campaign issued another statement: "Paddy Rockett shares your opinion. He has always shared your opinion, even when it looked like he belonged to a group of people who seemed to have completely different opinions to yours. He never agreed with those people. Paddy Rockett always shared your opinion. Vote Paddy Rockett!"
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