Election Week Summary
It's been a hectic week of horse trading, bribery, chocolate flash mobs, weaponisation, mass troop movements and even some things that were unexpected.
Victor in the presidential race, Adam Moursy, received a congratulatory long distance phone call last night. After a twenty minute conversation in which Moursy seemed uncharacteristically pensive, Moursy was asked who he had been speaking to. Said Moursy: "Not really sure. Some lad called Tony from Africa or something..."
Following his narrow election defeat, presidential candidate David Hartery blamed his loss on insufficiently Marxist rhetoric. Moving his forces across the Living Bridge, Hartery declared the North Campus the People's Democratic Republic of Iwa, appointing himself Supreme Leader. His supporters then placed explosives on the bridge to prevent any potential invasion.
Gentleman farmer Eamon Horgan found consolation in the arms of a buxom south Kerry lass with hips as wide as the Panama Canal and a voice like a pickaxe. "She won't have any problem callin' him in from the back field, anyway," one supporter said.
Another victorious candidate last night was Paddy Rockett who celebrated by purchasing a brand new box of Crayola's finest, placing his crown on his head and eating all the yoghurts he could ever want. "Aww dear Paddy," one supporter said, "He'll be puking rainbows tonight."
His opponent, Jackie Woods, has been appointed executive vice president in charge of distribution at Apple, something of a moral victory.
Outgoing CO Kelly O'Brien took her narrow defeat with her usual good nature and aplomb, only starting two minor fires and refraining from using her crossbow. Her winning opponent, Cathal Ronan, attributed his victory to clever use of the film Trainspotting and pledged to spend the entire year speaking in a thick, Glaswegian accent - a fact certain to please both Gaelgoirs and received pronounciation experts alike.
William Jennings secured work as in a travelling puppet theatre. Mr Mahoot and his Marvellous Marionnettes will be performing at the concert hall later in the year.
Without doubt the election was a true victory for some, a loss for others and certainly there were a number of votes cast for several different candidates. Till next year...
Friday, 23 March 2012
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Jennings revealed to be hand puppet
Welfare candidate William Jennings has been revealed to be little more than a hand-operated puppet, to the shock and consternation of many voters.
The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.
Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."
Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.
The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.
Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."
Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.
Voting process derailed after computer breaks down
The sabbatical elections have been derailed following an unexpected malfunction of the university's computer. The lack of a computer means that elections will not be able to continue.
The university purchased its computer on an installment plan in 1991 and has only recently finished payments. This means, however, that the policy that would have allowed the computer to be quickly repaired has expired, meaning that as of now there is no computer on campus and therefore the vote cannot progress.
When asked what might be done to correct this error, a fat man with a diploma in Windows 95, whom the university employs as a 'computer expert' for some reason known only to the shady, caped rulers of this campus, said: "Well, it's all Greek to me. Could ye not use pen and paper like ordinary people? Kids today and their feckin' computers."
The Students' Union has said that the elections will not be too badly affected, however. Three candidates voted this morning and two more this afternoon. A record turnout. The remaining voter will be allowed to cast her ballot in writing using a hastily prepared ballot.
The university purchased its computer on an installment plan in 1991 and has only recently finished payments. This means, however, that the policy that would have allowed the computer to be quickly repaired has expired, meaning that as of now there is no computer on campus and therefore the vote cannot progress.
When asked what might be done to correct this error, a fat man with a diploma in Windows 95, whom the university employs as a 'computer expert' for some reason known only to the shady, caped rulers of this campus, said: "Well, it's all Greek to me. Could ye not use pen and paper like ordinary people? Kids today and their feckin' computers."
The Students' Union has said that the elections will not be too badly affected, however. Three candidates voted this morning and two more this afternoon. A record turnout. The remaining voter will be allowed to cast her ballot in writing using a hastily prepared ballot.
Moursy sacrifices goat, sheep in last ditch bid to secure election
Presidential candidate Adam Moursy has performed a ritual sacrifice in the SU courtyard in order to secure the favour of the gods in his efforts to win the sabbatical election. Moursy was observed ritually slaughtering a comely goat and two sheep while campaigners chanted in an obscure Celtic dialect.
The lack of a fatted calf on campus caused considerable consternation amongst the Moursy priests but after consulting his augurers, Moursy concluded that it would not be necessary to appease the child-eating god Moloch and instead chose to concentrate on lesser, more easily pleased deities.
While Moursy is not considered to be particularly worried about losing the election, ritual sacrifices have been known to secure candidates the favour of the gods and the election victory that ensures in the dying hours of the campaign. It is well recorded that in 2009 then welfare candidate Derek Daly devoted an entire brace of kestrels to the gods in order to secure election.
In other last minute election news, Education candidate Paddy Rockett was observed setting bonfires and pledging his allegiance to the dark lord Ramu, saying: "If elected the streets shall run red with the blood of your enemies, the tower of skulls shall reach to the Heavens and all the crayons will belong to me!"
The lack of a fatted calf on campus caused considerable consternation amongst the Moursy priests but after consulting his augurers, Moursy concluded that it would not be necessary to appease the child-eating god Moloch and instead chose to concentrate on lesser, more easily pleased deities.
While Moursy is not considered to be particularly worried about losing the election, ritual sacrifices have been known to secure candidates the favour of the gods and the election victory that ensures in the dying hours of the campaign. It is well recorded that in 2009 then welfare candidate Derek Daly devoted an entire brace of kestrels to the gods in order to secure election.
In other last minute election news, Education candidate Paddy Rockett was observed setting bonfires and pledging his allegiance to the dark lord Ramu, saying: "If elected the streets shall run red with the blood of your enemies, the tower of skulls shall reach to the Heavens and all the crayons will belong to me!"
Eligible bachelor Horgan delights marriageable young ladies
Presidential candidate Eamon Horgan was revealed to be a bachelor looking for a wife at hustings yesterday, a fact that delighted the many young ladies of marrying age in attendance.
Horgan announced to excited feminine gasps that he had "come to find the Biddie to my Miley" at hustings on Wednesday and revealed that his presidential ambitions were merely an attempt to make his intentions known to the more delicate portion of the human species.
Wearing his best going-out shirt and trousers, Horgan said: "Tis time now I was settling up and settling down with some good woman," Horgan said, "I've got my land,I've got my road frontage, I've got access to water and it's high time I got me a wife, too."
Man-of-the-world Horgan regaled the ladies with the exciting tales of his travels. From Killybegs as far as Ardfert, Horgan has seen it all but he is now ready to settle down with that one special girl.
"I need they'd be shtickin' to him like flies to flypaper," Horgan's campaign manager said, "The phillies love Horgan, and no mistake."
Several young ladies were approached by this blog for comment but could not be understood due to their continued gasps and fits of fainting.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
President Daly flees to South Seas
Outgoing ULSU President Derek Daly fled the country late last night on a steam ship heading for the South Seas. Daly was quoted yesterday as saying he simply couldn't live in a world where he wasn't president of the SU anymore.
"It's not easy leaving office," Daly told a huddled group of dishevelled former supporters by the dockside, "I've been in the SU so long, I've become part of the furniture. I stood still for ten minutes yesterday and a first year sat on me."
A visibly shaken Daly pulled his trench coat tightly around him, adjusted his trilby and mounted the gangplank on to the SS Broken Dreams. With one parting wave to tear-soaked supporters, Daly bid adieu to the cruel and unforgiving world of SU politics.
Daly's current whereabouts remain unknown but it is believed that he is finally pursuing his dream of establishing his own country on a piece of unspoilt earth somewhere on a distant island. There is significant evidence of this, as Daly is known to have taken his pencil, a small notebook, his entire collection of The West Wing and his poster of Eamonn O Cuiv.
A tearful Daly supporter had this to say: "I voted for Derek in 2009, I voted for Derek in 2010 and I voted for Derek in 2011 and now... I can't vote for him in 2012! What a world! What a travesty! Come back, Daly! All is forgiven!"
Daly's potential successors could not be reached for comment but it is suspected that they will be eyeing the route Daly has taken closely, especially as public opinion has the potential to turn sour. In related news, Adam Moursy has been spotted investigating chalets in rural Argentina.
"It's not easy leaving office," Daly told a huddled group of dishevelled former supporters by the dockside, "I've been in the SU so long, I've become part of the furniture. I stood still for ten minutes yesterday and a first year sat on me."
A visibly shaken Daly pulled his trench coat tightly around him, adjusted his trilby and mounted the gangplank on to the SS Broken Dreams. With one parting wave to tear-soaked supporters, Daly bid adieu to the cruel and unforgiving world of SU politics.
Daly's current whereabouts remain unknown but it is believed that he is finally pursuing his dream of establishing his own country on a piece of unspoilt earth somewhere on a distant island. There is significant evidence of this, as Daly is known to have taken his pencil, a small notebook, his entire collection of The West Wing and his poster of Eamonn O Cuiv.
A tearful Daly supporter had this to say: "I voted for Derek in 2009, I voted for Derek in 2010 and I voted for Derek in 2011 and now... I can't vote for him in 2012! What a world! What a travesty! Come back, Daly! All is forgiven!"
Daly's potential successors could not be reached for comment but it is suspected that they will be eyeing the route Daly has taken closely, especially as public opinion has the potential to turn sour. In related news, Adam Moursy has been spotted investigating chalets in rural Argentina.
Pavilion revealed to be secret nuclear base
The David Hartery for President campaign has revealed that the university's newest bar, the Pavilion, is in fact a covert operations centre for a campus-wide nuclear weapon system, begun in secret by Clubs and Socs Council and due to be completed upon Hartery's election.
The long-expected decision was taken at Clubs and Socs Council early last year following reports that UCC and LIT had formed a pact of steel. NUI Galway's defences were deemed insufficient to deal with the ability of UCC and LIT to bring mass conventional forces to bear against the university.
The Pavilion, which was ostensibly constructed as for its 'bar facilities' and 'function room' is in the fact the centre of the nuclear deployment system that will allow the university to deter any potential attack from rival universities and to re-instate its rightful claim to the LIT and LSAD campuses.
"Of course this weaponisation of campus is only the first step," presidential candidate Hartery said, "Our real enemies are not UCC and LIT. Our real enemies are beyond the Shannon - UCD, TCD, the Oireachtais, Bord na Mona, Guiney's..."
Hartery pledged that upon his election as supreme leader, UL would have as many nuclear weapons as India and Pakistan combined: "And then they will give us the seat at the Security Council we so richly deserve!"
The weapons will be operated on a dual key system, with the SU president retaining half the authorisation codes and the Welfare Officer the others. Such a system should ensure that in the event of nuclear war, it will all be over by lunchtime.
The long-expected decision was taken at Clubs and Socs Council early last year following reports that UCC and LIT had formed a pact of steel. NUI Galway's defences were deemed insufficient to deal with the ability of UCC and LIT to bring mass conventional forces to bear against the university.
The Pavilion, which was ostensibly constructed as for its 'bar facilities' and 'function room' is in the fact the centre of the nuclear deployment system that will allow the university to deter any potential attack from rival universities and to re-instate its rightful claim to the LIT and LSAD campuses.
"Of course this weaponisation of campus is only the first step," presidential candidate Hartery said, "Our real enemies are not UCC and LIT. Our real enemies are beyond the Shannon - UCD, TCD, the Oireachtais, Bord na Mona, Guiney's..."
Hartery pledged that upon his election as supreme leader, UL would have as many nuclear weapons as India and Pakistan combined: "And then they will give us the seat at the Security Council we so richly deserve!"
The weapons will be operated on a dual key system, with the SU president retaining half the authorisation codes and the Welfare Officer the others. Such a system should ensure that in the event of nuclear war, it will all be over by lunchtime.
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