Election Week Summary
It's been a hectic week of horse trading, bribery, chocolate flash mobs, weaponisation, mass troop movements and even some things that were unexpected.
Victor in the presidential race, Adam Moursy, received a congratulatory long distance phone call last night. After a twenty minute conversation in which Moursy seemed uncharacteristically pensive, Moursy was asked who he had been speaking to. Said Moursy: "Not really sure. Some lad called Tony from Africa or something..."
Following his narrow election defeat, presidential candidate David Hartery blamed his loss on insufficiently Marxist rhetoric. Moving his forces across the Living Bridge, Hartery declared the North Campus the People's Democratic Republic of Iwa, appointing himself Supreme Leader. His supporters then placed explosives on the bridge to prevent any potential invasion.
Gentleman farmer Eamon Horgan found consolation in the arms of a buxom south Kerry lass with hips as wide as the Panama Canal and a voice like a pickaxe. "She won't have any problem callin' him in from the back field, anyway," one supporter said.
Another victorious candidate last night was Paddy Rockett who celebrated by purchasing a brand new box of Crayola's finest, placing his crown on his head and eating all the yoghurts he could ever want. "Aww dear Paddy," one supporter said, "He'll be puking rainbows tonight."
His opponent, Jackie Woods, has been appointed executive vice president in charge of distribution at Apple, something of a moral victory.
Outgoing CO Kelly O'Brien took her narrow defeat with her usual good nature and aplomb, only starting two minor fires and refraining from using her crossbow. Her winning opponent, Cathal Ronan, attributed his victory to clever use of the film Trainspotting and pledged to spend the entire year speaking in a thick, Glaswegian accent - a fact certain to please both Gaelgoirs and received pronounciation experts alike.
William Jennings secured work as in a travelling puppet theatre. Mr Mahoot and his Marvellous Marionnettes will be performing at the concert hall later in the year.
Without doubt the election was a true victory for some, a loss for others and certainly there were a number of votes cast for several different candidates. Till next year...
Friday 23 March 2012
Thursday 22 March 2012
Jennings revealed to be hand puppet
Welfare candidate William Jennings has been revealed to be little more than a hand-operated puppet, to the shock and consternation of many voters.
The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.
Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."
Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.
The appalling truth was revealed earlier today when Jennings, giving a spirited class address, fell off the hand of that controls him. The hand in question belongs to infamous prankster and hand puppeteer, Giovanni Picini.
Said Picini: "It was only meant to be something of a laugh. I never meant it to go this far. When I registered him as a student, I thought I'd be found out pretty quickly but here we are four years later."
Surprisingly, the news that Jennings is in fact a puppet has boosted his popularity with UL's notorious swing voters and given Jennings a three point lead in the polls. Following this unprecedented result, presidential candidate Adam Moursy has revealed that he, too, is a puppet but he would not disclose who is pulling his strings.
Voting process derailed after computer breaks down
The sabbatical elections have been derailed following an unexpected malfunction of the university's computer. The lack of a computer means that elections will not be able to continue.
The university purchased its computer on an installment plan in 1991 and has only recently finished payments. This means, however, that the policy that would have allowed the computer to be quickly repaired has expired, meaning that as of now there is no computer on campus and therefore the vote cannot progress.
When asked what might be done to correct this error, a fat man with a diploma in Windows 95, whom the university employs as a 'computer expert' for some reason known only to the shady, caped rulers of this campus, said: "Well, it's all Greek to me. Could ye not use pen and paper like ordinary people? Kids today and their feckin' computers."
The Students' Union has said that the elections will not be too badly affected, however. Three candidates voted this morning and two more this afternoon. A record turnout. The remaining voter will be allowed to cast her ballot in writing using a hastily prepared ballot.
The university purchased its computer on an installment plan in 1991 and has only recently finished payments. This means, however, that the policy that would have allowed the computer to be quickly repaired has expired, meaning that as of now there is no computer on campus and therefore the vote cannot progress.
When asked what might be done to correct this error, a fat man with a diploma in Windows 95, whom the university employs as a 'computer expert' for some reason known only to the shady, caped rulers of this campus, said: "Well, it's all Greek to me. Could ye not use pen and paper like ordinary people? Kids today and their feckin' computers."
The Students' Union has said that the elections will not be too badly affected, however. Three candidates voted this morning and two more this afternoon. A record turnout. The remaining voter will be allowed to cast her ballot in writing using a hastily prepared ballot.
Moursy sacrifices goat, sheep in last ditch bid to secure election
Presidential candidate Adam Moursy has performed a ritual sacrifice in the SU courtyard in order to secure the favour of the gods in his efforts to win the sabbatical election. Moursy was observed ritually slaughtering a comely goat and two sheep while campaigners chanted in an obscure Celtic dialect.
The lack of a fatted calf on campus caused considerable consternation amongst the Moursy priests but after consulting his augurers, Moursy concluded that it would not be necessary to appease the child-eating god Moloch and instead chose to concentrate on lesser, more easily pleased deities.
While Moursy is not considered to be particularly worried about losing the election, ritual sacrifices have been known to secure candidates the favour of the gods and the election victory that ensures in the dying hours of the campaign. It is well recorded that in 2009 then welfare candidate Derek Daly devoted an entire brace of kestrels to the gods in order to secure election.
In other last minute election news, Education candidate Paddy Rockett was observed setting bonfires and pledging his allegiance to the dark lord Ramu, saying: "If elected the streets shall run red with the blood of your enemies, the tower of skulls shall reach to the Heavens and all the crayons will belong to me!"
The lack of a fatted calf on campus caused considerable consternation amongst the Moursy priests but after consulting his augurers, Moursy concluded that it would not be necessary to appease the child-eating god Moloch and instead chose to concentrate on lesser, more easily pleased deities.
While Moursy is not considered to be particularly worried about losing the election, ritual sacrifices have been known to secure candidates the favour of the gods and the election victory that ensures in the dying hours of the campaign. It is well recorded that in 2009 then welfare candidate Derek Daly devoted an entire brace of kestrels to the gods in order to secure election.
In other last minute election news, Education candidate Paddy Rockett was observed setting bonfires and pledging his allegiance to the dark lord Ramu, saying: "If elected the streets shall run red with the blood of your enemies, the tower of skulls shall reach to the Heavens and all the crayons will belong to me!"
Eligible bachelor Horgan delights marriageable young ladies
Presidential candidate Eamon Horgan was revealed to be a bachelor looking for a wife at hustings yesterday, a fact that delighted the many young ladies of marrying age in attendance.
Horgan announced to excited feminine gasps that he had "come to find the Biddie to my Miley" at hustings on Wednesday and revealed that his presidential ambitions were merely an attempt to make his intentions known to the more delicate portion of the human species.
Wearing his best going-out shirt and trousers, Horgan said: "Tis time now I was settling up and settling down with some good woman," Horgan said, "I've got my land,I've got my road frontage, I've got access to water and it's high time I got me a wife, too."
Man-of-the-world Horgan regaled the ladies with the exciting tales of his travels. From Killybegs as far as Ardfert, Horgan has seen it all but he is now ready to settle down with that one special girl.
"I need they'd be shtickin' to him like flies to flypaper," Horgan's campaign manager said, "The phillies love Horgan, and no mistake."
Several young ladies were approached by this blog for comment but could not be understood due to their continued gasps and fits of fainting.
Wednesday 21 March 2012
President Daly flees to South Seas
Outgoing ULSU President Derek Daly fled the country late last night on a steam ship heading for the South Seas. Daly was quoted yesterday as saying he simply couldn't live in a world where he wasn't president of the SU anymore.
"It's not easy leaving office," Daly told a huddled group of dishevelled former supporters by the dockside, "I've been in the SU so long, I've become part of the furniture. I stood still for ten minutes yesterday and a first year sat on me."
A visibly shaken Daly pulled his trench coat tightly around him, adjusted his trilby and mounted the gangplank on to the SS Broken Dreams. With one parting wave to tear-soaked supporters, Daly bid adieu to the cruel and unforgiving world of SU politics.
Daly's current whereabouts remain unknown but it is believed that he is finally pursuing his dream of establishing his own country on a piece of unspoilt earth somewhere on a distant island. There is significant evidence of this, as Daly is known to have taken his pencil, a small notebook, his entire collection of The West Wing and his poster of Eamonn O Cuiv.
A tearful Daly supporter had this to say: "I voted for Derek in 2009, I voted for Derek in 2010 and I voted for Derek in 2011 and now... I can't vote for him in 2012! What a world! What a travesty! Come back, Daly! All is forgiven!"
Daly's potential successors could not be reached for comment but it is suspected that they will be eyeing the route Daly has taken closely, especially as public opinion has the potential to turn sour. In related news, Adam Moursy has been spotted investigating chalets in rural Argentina.
"It's not easy leaving office," Daly told a huddled group of dishevelled former supporters by the dockside, "I've been in the SU so long, I've become part of the furniture. I stood still for ten minutes yesterday and a first year sat on me."
A visibly shaken Daly pulled his trench coat tightly around him, adjusted his trilby and mounted the gangplank on to the SS Broken Dreams. With one parting wave to tear-soaked supporters, Daly bid adieu to the cruel and unforgiving world of SU politics.
Daly's current whereabouts remain unknown but it is believed that he is finally pursuing his dream of establishing his own country on a piece of unspoilt earth somewhere on a distant island. There is significant evidence of this, as Daly is known to have taken his pencil, a small notebook, his entire collection of The West Wing and his poster of Eamonn O Cuiv.
A tearful Daly supporter had this to say: "I voted for Derek in 2009, I voted for Derek in 2010 and I voted for Derek in 2011 and now... I can't vote for him in 2012! What a world! What a travesty! Come back, Daly! All is forgiven!"
Daly's potential successors could not be reached for comment but it is suspected that they will be eyeing the route Daly has taken closely, especially as public opinion has the potential to turn sour. In related news, Adam Moursy has been spotted investigating chalets in rural Argentina.
Pavilion revealed to be secret nuclear base
The David Hartery for President campaign has revealed that the university's newest bar, the Pavilion, is in fact a covert operations centre for a campus-wide nuclear weapon system, begun in secret by Clubs and Socs Council and due to be completed upon Hartery's election.
The long-expected decision was taken at Clubs and Socs Council early last year following reports that UCC and LIT had formed a pact of steel. NUI Galway's defences were deemed insufficient to deal with the ability of UCC and LIT to bring mass conventional forces to bear against the university.
The Pavilion, which was ostensibly constructed as for its 'bar facilities' and 'function room' is in the fact the centre of the nuclear deployment system that will allow the university to deter any potential attack from rival universities and to re-instate its rightful claim to the LIT and LSAD campuses.
"Of course this weaponisation of campus is only the first step," presidential candidate Hartery said, "Our real enemies are not UCC and LIT. Our real enemies are beyond the Shannon - UCD, TCD, the Oireachtais, Bord na Mona, Guiney's..."
Hartery pledged that upon his election as supreme leader, UL would have as many nuclear weapons as India and Pakistan combined: "And then they will give us the seat at the Security Council we so richly deserve!"
The weapons will be operated on a dual key system, with the SU president retaining half the authorisation codes and the Welfare Officer the others. Such a system should ensure that in the event of nuclear war, it will all be over by lunchtime.
The long-expected decision was taken at Clubs and Socs Council early last year following reports that UCC and LIT had formed a pact of steel. NUI Galway's defences were deemed insufficient to deal with the ability of UCC and LIT to bring mass conventional forces to bear against the university.
The Pavilion, which was ostensibly constructed as for its 'bar facilities' and 'function room' is in the fact the centre of the nuclear deployment system that will allow the university to deter any potential attack from rival universities and to re-instate its rightful claim to the LIT and LSAD campuses.
"Of course this weaponisation of campus is only the first step," presidential candidate Hartery said, "Our real enemies are not UCC and LIT. Our real enemies are beyond the Shannon - UCD, TCD, the Oireachtais, Bord na Mona, Guiney's..."
Hartery pledged that upon his election as supreme leader, UL would have as many nuclear weapons as India and Pakistan combined: "And then they will give us the seat at the Security Council we so richly deserve!"
The weapons will be operated on a dual key system, with the SU president retaining half the authorisation codes and the Welfare Officer the others. Such a system should ensure that in the event of nuclear war, it will all be over by lunchtime.
Rockett spends day searching for lost crayon
Education candidate Paddy Rockett was not available to campaign yesterday as he spent the day searching the campus for his favourite blue crayon. He later discovered the crayon was in his pocket.
ULSU insiders are fully aware of the importance of crayons to Rockett in his capacity as CSO, where crayons and construction paper formed the backbone of the majority of his campaigns. The crayon in question has particular significance as it is the one Rockett used to fill out his election paperwork in 2011.
"My lucky crayon is missing! Old blue, where are you! I NEED YOU!" Rockett could be heard to exclaim as he traversed campus searching for the wayward Crayola. Having spent the better part of the day unearthing trees, dredging the campus's many lakes and roughing up anybody who looked a bit dodgy and might be a crayon thief, Rockett finally placed his hand in the left pocket of his trademark short pants and discovered the lost crayon.
"We were hugely relieved that Paddy found the crayon," a campaign spokesman told this blog, "He is currently curled up in his bed, with a glass of warm milk and the crayon firmly grasped between his teeth, as it should be."
ULSU insiders are fully aware of the importance of crayons to Rockett in his capacity as CSO, where crayons and construction paper formed the backbone of the majority of his campaigns. The crayon in question has particular significance as it is the one Rockett used to fill out his election paperwork in 2011.
"My lucky crayon is missing! Old blue, where are you! I NEED YOU!" Rockett could be heard to exclaim as he traversed campus searching for the wayward Crayola. Having spent the better part of the day unearthing trees, dredging the campus's many lakes and roughing up anybody who looked a bit dodgy and might be a crayon thief, Rockett finally placed his hand in the left pocket of his trademark short pants and discovered the lost crayon.
"We were hugely relieved that Paddy found the crayon," a campaign spokesman told this blog, "He is currently curled up in his bed, with a glass of warm milk and the crayon firmly grasped between his teeth, as it should be."
Tuesday 20 March 2012
Jennings finds solution to SU's problems: Slavery
Welfare candidate William Jennings has proposed a radical solution to the SU's financial difficulties: the introduction of slavery. Jennings believes such a policy will eliminate the need to pay wages, the SU's main source of expenditure.
"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."
Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."
Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.
"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.
"This is not the time to be doing wishy-washy nonsense like paying people for their jobs or extending 'workers' rights'" Jennings said, polishing his monocle, "I believe that the most sensible policy is the extension of slavery to everyone currently working in the Students' Union. This would not only save money, but it would safeguard our ancient, patrician values that have been so eroded by this nonsensical democracy in recent years."
Perhaps taking his inspiration from the government's job bridge scheme, Jennings suggested that anyone who did not know how to hold a cognac glass and a cricket bat the right way should be excluded from the franchise. "Voting is a tiresome and entirely unnecessary process and if elected Welfare Officer, my first act will be to eliminate it. It is time to return to the good old days of one man, one vote: I am the man and I will have the vote."
Slavery has worked successfully in other universities in the recent past. For example, the extension of slavery to all undergraduates at Trinity College, Dublin cut overheads by 55%, despite a marked increase in the cost of cleaning up those who had recently died of overwork.
"The voters of UL know that they really shouldn't be voting at all. Now is the time to take the the vote away, take freedom away and take anything they have in their pockets away. Vote Jennings, so you'll never have to vote again," Jennings concluded, before heading off to the Hunt Ball in his riding pink.
Ronan proposes endorphin shots, chicken for unhappy students
Welfare candidate Cathal Ronan has proposed that unhappy students can be cured of their ill feelings through a combination of endorphin shots and chicken. Ronan, who has been jogging around campus continuously for the last 16 months in the build up to the campaign, took a few minutes off to answer questions on ULFM.
"We all know what happens when people are sad, just look at North Korea. I suggest requiring all students who look a bit down should be given shots of endorphin, directly into the heart, to cheer them up. We can get endorphins from the on campus chemical labs, no bother."
Ronan went on to say that the lack of whole chickens in the SU shop is contributing to the lack of a fun atmosphere on campus: "What animal can you think of that is more fun than chicken? Chicken is the most fun animal on this planet! They run around, they cluck and even after they're dead, they still look happy! Chickens all the way!"
Following the interview, Ronan returned to his long-term jogging spree, carrying his grandmother on his back to show fortitude to less physically able UL students.
"We all know what happens when people are sad, just look at North Korea. I suggest requiring all students who look a bit down should be given shots of endorphin, directly into the heart, to cheer them up. We can get endorphins from the on campus chemical labs, no bother."
Ronan went on to say that the lack of whole chickens in the SU shop is contributing to the lack of a fun atmosphere on campus: "What animal can you think of that is more fun than chicken? Chicken is the most fun animal on this planet! They run around, they cluck and even after they're dead, they still look happy! Chickens all the way!"
Following the interview, Ronan returned to his long-term jogging spree, carrying his grandmother on his back to show fortitude to less physically able UL students.
Rockett to construct 60 foot broadcasting tower
Education candidate Paddy Rockett has confirmed rumours that he intends to construct a 60 foot tall broadcasting tower on the roof of the SU building in order to increase the broadcast range of student radio station, ULFM.
The Rockett for Education campaign today unveiled an ambitious plan to build a broadcasting tower, costing an estimated €15m, on top of the existing SU building. The rationale for this is increasing the range of ULFM broadcasts nationwide and beyond.
"As part of my campaign promise to establish an SU Department of Propaganda and Good Feelings, I pledge to build this broadcasting tower, so that people across the country can tune in to my daily radio show, Rockett's Rundown. This show will form a key part of my attempts to establish a much needed cult of personality around myself."
The current Communications Officer and head of ULFM, Kelly O'Brien, was decidedly dubious about the move. "I think the idea of a broadcasting tower is broadly good. However, I feel that Paddy has failed to recognise the need to improve all student media, not just the radio. As such, I have suggested that the SU purchases a printing press, a TV station and the Irish Examiner."
Some have called O'Brien's plans untenable, but Rockett endorsed the scheme: "Anything that gets my face, voice and personality out there is fine by me. Where's my axe?"
The Rockett for Education campaign today unveiled an ambitious plan to build a broadcasting tower, costing an estimated €15m, on top of the existing SU building. The rationale for this is increasing the range of ULFM broadcasts nationwide and beyond.
"As part of my campaign promise to establish an SU Department of Propaganda and Good Feelings, I pledge to build this broadcasting tower, so that people across the country can tune in to my daily radio show, Rockett's Rundown. This show will form a key part of my attempts to establish a much needed cult of personality around myself."
The current Communications Officer and head of ULFM, Kelly O'Brien, was decidedly dubious about the move. "I think the idea of a broadcasting tower is broadly good. However, I feel that Paddy has failed to recognise the need to improve all student media, not just the radio. As such, I have suggested that the SU purchases a printing press, a TV station and the Irish Examiner."
Some have called O'Brien's plans untenable, but Rockett endorsed the scheme: "Anything that gets my face, voice and personality out there is fine by me. Where's my axe?"
Guy called Tony deeply upset by candidate's comments
A UL student named Tony has revealed his deep upset and astonishment at accusations levied against him by presidential candidate, Adam Moursy. Tony has unequivocally denied ever having been to Uganda.
"I was totally shocked at these unfounded accusations," UL student Tony told this blog, "I'd never even heard of Uganda until I saw my name plastered all over Moursy's election literature. I've never even held a gun!" Visibly upset and shaking with disbelief, the 19-year-old Roscommon native has demanded an apology from the Moursy campaign following its announcement that it intends to "catch that murdering rascal, Tony, and take him to the Hake".
However, the Adam Moursy for President campaign was unapologetic: "We all know the evil Tony has been doing all these years, we just had no idea he was actually hiding out in Roscommon. An armed force is already being assembled to catch him and bring this vile fiend to justice."
Tony's last known whereabouts are somewhere just outside Gort, hiding from Moursy's roving bands of war criminal hunters. When asked about this opinions on the SU elections, Tony said: "I know he may have sent a band of drink-fuelled, poorly informed murderers after me for absolutely no reason, but I still think I'd vote for Adam. At least he's finally doing something about the real threats to UL students - international war criminals."
Moursy's main presidential rival, David Hartery, had this to say: "The Moursy campaign is so incompetent it can't even launch a simple ground offensive into Roscommon. If elected president, I will ensure that ULSU will be prepared for mass mobilisation against all the SU's enemies, be they foreign, domestic or imaginary! Further, my secret police force will ensure..." Unfortunately, Hartery's voice had reached a crescendo and could no longer be understood.
"I was totally shocked at these unfounded accusations," UL student Tony told this blog, "I'd never even heard of Uganda until I saw my name plastered all over Moursy's election literature. I've never even held a gun!" Visibly upset and shaking with disbelief, the 19-year-old Roscommon native has demanded an apology from the Moursy campaign following its announcement that it intends to "catch that murdering rascal, Tony, and take him to the Hake".
However, the Adam Moursy for President campaign was unapologetic: "We all know the evil Tony has been doing all these years, we just had no idea he was actually hiding out in Roscommon. An armed force is already being assembled to catch him and bring this vile fiend to justice."
Tony's last known whereabouts are somewhere just outside Gort, hiding from Moursy's roving bands of war criminal hunters. When asked about this opinions on the SU elections, Tony said: "I know he may have sent a band of drink-fuelled, poorly informed murderers after me for absolutely no reason, but I still think I'd vote for Adam. At least he's finally doing something about the real threats to UL students - international war criminals."
Moursy's main presidential rival, David Hartery, had this to say: "The Moursy campaign is so incompetent it can't even launch a simple ground offensive into Roscommon. If elected president, I will ensure that ULSU will be prepared for mass mobilisation against all the SU's enemies, be they foreign, domestic or imaginary! Further, my secret police force will ensure..." Unfortunately, Hartery's voice had reached a crescendo and could no longer be understood.
Rockett dismisses logical arguments as "unhelpful"
Education candidate Paddy Rockett has described the well thought out, logical arguments of his rivals as "unhelpful" and "harmful to the democratic process".
Speaking from his high chair in Red Raisins canteen, the outgoing CSO condemned statements made by his main rival, Jacqueline Woods, as she attempted to explain how a deficit is created. Said Ms Woods: "A deficit is created when an organisation spends more money than it earns, and therefore has to borrow money to fund the difference. This, of course, leads to even greater liabilities."
"These comments are entirely inappropriate," Rockett fumed, "If the voters of this campus wanted 'logic' they could go to their lectures! This election is about bright colours, meaningless slogans and tight t-shirts on tolerably attractive girls! Jackie is just confusing the issues!"
Following this outburst, Rockett spilled the juice from his tippy cup, threw his Petit Filous across the room and banged his plastic spoon against the table, to bails of applause from besotted campaigners.
"Paddy is exactly what this university needs," said one campaigner, whom we are refusing to name on the grounds that he will definitely regret this statment later. "It's about time someone stood up to those people who think they can prove everything using logical arguments! Orange helium kumquat!" He added.
Speaking from his high chair in Red Raisins canteen, the outgoing CSO condemned statements made by his main rival, Jacqueline Woods, as she attempted to explain how a deficit is created. Said Ms Woods: "A deficit is created when an organisation spends more money than it earns, and therefore has to borrow money to fund the difference. This, of course, leads to even greater liabilities."
"These comments are entirely inappropriate," Rockett fumed, "If the voters of this campus wanted 'logic' they could go to their lectures! This election is about bright colours, meaningless slogans and tight t-shirts on tolerably attractive girls! Jackie is just confusing the issues!"
Following this outburst, Rockett spilled the juice from his tippy cup, threw his Petit Filous across the room and banged his plastic spoon against the table, to bails of applause from besotted campaigners.
"Paddy is exactly what this university needs," said one campaigner, whom we are refusing to name on the grounds that he will definitely regret this statment later. "It's about time someone stood up to those people who think they can prove everything using logical arguments! Orange helium kumquat!" He added.
Monday 19 March 2012
Daly to bestow rings of power on successful sabbat candidates
Outgoing ULSU President Derek Daly has pledged to bestow three rings of power on the successful sabbatical candidates following the elections this week. The mysterious rings have long been thought to be the source of Daly's awesome powers.
"It is time to pass on these powerful talismans to a new generation," Daly said, "For many aeons my people have guarded the secret of the rings closely but now it is time for me, as the last of my kind, to bestow their great power on the next generation of sabbatical officers."
Derek Daly (his human name) arrived on Earth riding on the back of a crystalline meteorite that landed just outside Plassey House some time in late 1960s. After several years of experimentation in US government laboratories, Daly returned to UL to take up his rightful place as SU President and Keeper of the Rings of Power. But as his term as president draws to a close, Daly has chosen now to relinquish the rings.
Among the powers thought to originate from the rings is Daly's incredible gift of voter mesmerism, as well as his uncanny ability to avoid things sticking to him. It is also believed that the rings ward off dark wizards, though the presence of Klothos the Contemptible in the Education election would seem to contradict this.
When asked about the dangers of allowing the rings to fall into the wrong hands, Daly said: "UL students are smart enough to know not to vote for terrible candidates. After all, last year they voted for me and Paddy Rockett. What are the chances they'd vote for someone who is an obvious moron or dark wizard?"
Said Klothos: "Finally I will have access to the rings! With them in my possession, all will kneel before me! All will kneel!" The Adam Moursy campaign expressed similar sentiments.
"It is time to pass on these powerful talismans to a new generation," Daly said, "For many aeons my people have guarded the secret of the rings closely but now it is time for me, as the last of my kind, to bestow their great power on the next generation of sabbatical officers."
Derek Daly (his human name) arrived on Earth riding on the back of a crystalline meteorite that landed just outside Plassey House some time in late 1960s. After several years of experimentation in US government laboratories, Daly returned to UL to take up his rightful place as SU President and Keeper of the Rings of Power. But as his term as president draws to a close, Daly has chosen now to relinquish the rings.
Among the powers thought to originate from the rings is Daly's incredible gift of voter mesmerism, as well as his uncanny ability to avoid things sticking to him. It is also believed that the rings ward off dark wizards, though the presence of Klothos the Contemptible in the Education election would seem to contradict this.
When asked about the dangers of allowing the rings to fall into the wrong hands, Daly said: "UL students are smart enough to know not to vote for terrible candidates. After all, last year they voted for me and Paddy Rockett. What are the chances they'd vote for someone who is an obvious moron or dark wizard?"
Said Klothos: "Finally I will have access to the rings! With them in my possession, all will kneel before me! All will kneel!" The Adam Moursy campaign expressed similar sentiments.
Hartery urges SU to apply to European stability fund
Presidential candidate David Hartery has urged the Students' Union to apply for a bailout from the European Financial Stability Mechanism in order to shore up its finances in the face of impending bankruptcy.
"The clear successes of bailouts throughout Europe are the strongest endorsement we need to apply to this fund. €300,000 is a tiny sum compared to the large amounts of money sloshing around in failed economies like Greece, Italy and UCDSU. We might even be able to get enough for a new students' centre."
Hartery rejected suggestions that ULSU was too small and unimportant to apply to the international bailout fund, saying: "I have been in advanced talks with Dr Merkel and I'm convinced that a declaration of independence on our part would be well received in European quarters. We would be the standard bearers for austerity worldwide."
When asked whether he intended to declare ULSU independent from the rest of the country in order to achieve his aims, the presidential hopeful replied: "We have already begun to throw our weight around on international issues like Kony, and look how well that's been going! I think it's only right that we pursue all avenues, including full sovereignty, weaponisation of campus and Marxist collectivism. All these options are on the table."
The Moursy campaign could not be reached for comment but reports suggest the team was consulting its dictionaries and first year European politics books.
"The clear successes of bailouts throughout Europe are the strongest endorsement we need to apply to this fund. €300,000 is a tiny sum compared to the large amounts of money sloshing around in failed economies like Greece, Italy and UCDSU. We might even be able to get enough for a new students' centre."
Hartery rejected suggestions that ULSU was too small and unimportant to apply to the international bailout fund, saying: "I have been in advanced talks with Dr Merkel and I'm convinced that a declaration of independence on our part would be well received in European quarters. We would be the standard bearers for austerity worldwide."
When asked whether he intended to declare ULSU independent from the rest of the country in order to achieve his aims, the presidential hopeful replied: "We have already begun to throw our weight around on international issues like Kony, and look how well that's been going! I think it's only right that we pursue all avenues, including full sovereignty, weaponisation of campus and Marxist collectivism. All these options are on the table."
The Moursy campaign could not be reached for comment but reports suggest the team was consulting its dictionaries and first year European politics books.
An Focal rival sacks reporters for insufficient bias
An Focal's main rival publication, The Thomond Interferer, has sacked more than a dozen reporters following claims of "insufficient bias" and "balanced, hysteria-free" reporting on its flagship website. The Interferer has a long reputation for hysterical, over-the-top reporting on a wide range of issues from Students' Union mistakes to Students' Union errors. The online paper regards this standard of reporting as key to its continued appeal to its core audience, which mainly consists of people who think they're more informed then they are, people who accidentally clicked the wrong link and overreacting sabbatical officers.
Interferer editor Clare Lee Overboard had this to say: "We at the Thomond Interferer pride ourselves at providing our readers with the most up to date Students' Union outrages as they happen. No event is so inconsequential to escape the attention of our editorial desk! If something happens on this campus, we guarantee that both our readers will think someone has been killed by Paddy Rockett using SU property within fifteen hours!"
In response to Ms Overboard, An Focal editor Kelly O'Brien said: "This is absolutely typical of the Interferer's low quality of reporting. An Focal delivers only the best quality, ULSU approved whitewash, and all three of our readers know that."
The annual An Focal/Thomond Interferer big fat liar competition has been arranged for Friday, Week 10.
Interferer editor Clare Lee Overboard had this to say: "We at the Thomond Interferer pride ourselves at providing our readers with the most up to date Students' Union outrages as they happen. No event is so inconsequential to escape the attention of our editorial desk! If something happens on this campus, we guarantee that both our readers will think someone has been killed by Paddy Rockett using SU property within fifteen hours!"
In response to Ms Overboard, An Focal editor Kelly O'Brien said: "This is absolutely typical of the Interferer's low quality of reporting. An Focal delivers only the best quality, ULSU approved whitewash, and all three of our readers know that."
The annual An Focal/Thomond Interferer big fat liar competition has been arranged for Friday, Week 10.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Rockett used SU money to buy fur coat, crown
Fresh controversy is about to erupt in the ULSU sabbatical elections as this blog can exclusively reveal that Education candidate Paddy Rockett used ULSU funds to purchase a fur coat and a crown.
The offending items were purchased online using the SU's credit card at a website called Royal-Viking-Apparel.com. Those in the know have long been aware of Rockett's obsession with acting and dressing like his childhood hero, King Harald Hardrada, an 11th century king of Norway. But this recent act of wanton embezzlement takes Rockett's regal fantasies to new heights, as he now appears bent on parading around campus wearing the coat and crown and carrying a traditional Viking axe.
None of this, however, should worry the voters of UL since recent historical evidence suggests that King Harald was both an able administrator and accomplished soldier, whose only major failing was a tendency to mount costly invasions of neighbouring territories (UCC beware).
The Rockett campaign has responded to the allegations with the following statement: "Everyone knows that money would only have been pissed away on unsustainable services and pointless sabbatical wages anyway, so who cares? Long live King Rockett!"
Following some rather hasty shooting noises at the other end of the phone, the campaign issued another statement: "Paddy Rockett shares your opinion. He has always shared your opinion, even when it looked like he belonged to a group of people who seemed to have completely different opinions to yours. He never agreed with those people. Paddy Rockett always shared your opinion. Vote Paddy Rockett!"
The offending items were purchased online using the SU's credit card at a website called Royal-Viking-Apparel.com. Those in the know have long been aware of Rockett's obsession with acting and dressing like his childhood hero, King Harald Hardrada, an 11th century king of Norway. But this recent act of wanton embezzlement takes Rockett's regal fantasies to new heights, as he now appears bent on parading around campus wearing the coat and crown and carrying a traditional Viking axe.
None of this, however, should worry the voters of UL since recent historical evidence suggests that King Harald was both an able administrator and accomplished soldier, whose only major failing was a tendency to mount costly invasions of neighbouring territories (UCC beware).
The Rockett campaign has responded to the allegations with the following statement: "Everyone knows that money would only have been pissed away on unsustainable services and pointless sabbatical wages anyway, so who cares? Long live King Rockett!"
Following some rather hasty shooting noises at the other end of the phone, the campaign issued another statement: "Paddy Rockett shares your opinion. He has always shared your opinion, even when it looked like he belonged to a group of people who seemed to have completely different opinions to yours. He never agreed with those people. Paddy Rockett always shared your opinion. Vote Paddy Rockett!"
Moursy to stop Kony 'by 2080 at the outside'
In a surprise announcement last night, the Adam Moursy for President campaign declared that if elected president, Moursy will do everything in his power to finally bring to justice known evil-doer and media darling, Joseph Kony.
Moursy, who is a well publicised opponent of war crimes worldwide and has been shortlisted several times for the International Jumping on the Bandwagon Award, committed himself entirely to the capture and prosecution of the notorious Ugandan warlord. Said Moursy: "The students of ULSU cannot sit idly by now that they are aware Tony exists. Just because Uganda is hard to find on a map does not mean we should not try. Tony has gone too far this time. It is time we took a stand. First we beat fees and now we will beat Tony!"
He added: "The campaign has already begun. We have wristbands, we have posters, we have a petition! Tony has never seen the likes of this before! They don't have campaigns like this in Uganda." When it was pointed out that what they have in Uganda is a large, American-supported army that has been hunting Joseph Kony for several years, Moursy replied, "Who the Hell is Joseph? We're talking about Tony here, people! Jesus, I knew there were some idiots who didn't do law but..." at which point his microphone inadvertently cut out and he was led out of the building by campaign officials.
The Moursy campaign later issued a statement in clarification: "Adam Moursy firmly believes in the three core principles of ULSU - representation, clubs and societies and stopping African warlords. If elected, Adam will ensure that the new ULSU constitution recognises the need to stop Joseph Kony and will invest all available resources in the project as soon as the SU shops become profitable again, which we estimate to be by 2080 at the outside."
In response, the David Hartery for President campaign suggested that Syria's Bashar Al-Assad ought to be the focus of the SU's war crimes policy and challenged the Moursy campaign to a 'My war criminal is bigger than your war criminal' rap battle in the SU courtyard.
Moursy, who is a well publicised opponent of war crimes worldwide and has been shortlisted several times for the International Jumping on the Bandwagon Award, committed himself entirely to the capture and prosecution of the notorious Ugandan warlord. Said Moursy: "The students of ULSU cannot sit idly by now that they are aware Tony exists. Just because Uganda is hard to find on a map does not mean we should not try. Tony has gone too far this time. It is time we took a stand. First we beat fees and now we will beat Tony!"
He added: "The campaign has already begun. We have wristbands, we have posters, we have a petition! Tony has never seen the likes of this before! They don't have campaigns like this in Uganda." When it was pointed out that what they have in Uganda is a large, American-supported army that has been hunting Joseph Kony for several years, Moursy replied, "Who the Hell is Joseph? We're talking about Tony here, people! Jesus, I knew there were some idiots who didn't do law but..." at which point his microphone inadvertently cut out and he was led out of the building by campaign officials.
The Moursy campaign later issued a statement in clarification: "Adam Moursy firmly believes in the three core principles of ULSU - representation, clubs and societies and stopping African warlords. If elected, Adam will ensure that the new ULSU constitution recognises the need to stop Joseph Kony and will invest all available resources in the project as soon as the SU shops become profitable again, which we estimate to be by 2080 at the outside."
In response, the David Hartery for President campaign suggested that Syria's Bashar Al-Assad ought to be the focus of the SU's war crimes policy and challenged the Moursy campaign to a 'My war criminal is bigger than your war criminal' rap battle in the SU courtyard.
About OccupyULSU
OccupyULSU is a satirical blog. Nothing written here is true. It is all fabrication, designed to entertain and perhaps provide a little light relief in what might be a fraught election week. Any similarity to actual actions of any sabbatical candidates is purely coincidental and in any event they would have to absolutely go out of their way to be half as interesting as caricatures of them are.
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